Friday, June 18, 2010

A Problem of Salad


I close the laptop screen and inwardly scream, "Gretchen, you lazy bum, get up and do something productive!" (I have found that such thoughts are the fruit of Summer drowsiness)
I look at the clock, and my horizons suddenly brighten. It is 11:15 - the perfect time to eat lunch! I get up from my chair and practically skip into the kitchen. "Camille! Come fix lunch with me and eat!" I shout with my head in the refrigerator.
Camille, with her head in the computer screen (doing something very productive, like writing her new blog) calls back, "I'll be there in a minute. I want to finish this first!"
"Oh," I think to myself, "Camille doesn't know what really matters in life. Poor girl. Poor, poor girl."
Despite myself, I had been affected by Camille's daily afternoon salad routine, and thus the spinach leaves are out in a jiffy. The following five to ten minutes are filled by a discussion like the following -
Gretchen - "Do we have any avocados?"

Camille - "Yeah. They should be in the bowl on the counter."
Gretchen - "Oh, I see them now."

A moment passes -
Gretchen - "Do you want avocado on yours?"
Camille - "Yes."
Gretchen - "Do you want me to make yours?"
Camille - "No."
Gretchen - "Why not?"
Camille - "I want it to be small."

........ WELL!!
Gretchen - "Alright. I'm leaving the stuff out for you."
Camille (very tranquil) - "Okay."

A few moments pass -
Gretchen - "The boiled egg is kind of blue, but it's still good. Do you want some?"
Camille - "Yeah, that's fine."

.......
Gretchen - "Do you want cranberries and almonds on yours?"
Camille - "Uh-huh."

As I continue my preparations, sounds of typing float from the Den. Poor Camille. I sprinkle feta cheese crumbles on the top of my salad. It looks amazing! I inwardly pat myself on the back - "Good job, Gretchen! You can make yourself a salad with no help! This is a great day!"
I poke my head into the refrigerator and proceed to knock jugs and cartons around, searching.

My muffled voice comes to Camille from the kitchen.
"Camille?"
"Yes?"
"Are we out of Briana's Bleu Cheese Dressing?"
"Yes."
The bomb has fallen. My hopes are dashed..... Without the dressing my salad is NOTHING!! MEANS NOTHING!! IS NOTHING!!! WHY!!!!!!
I shut the refrigerator - my heart in my shoes. "Camille?" I call plaintively... weakly, "What am I going to do?"
"There are other dressings in there."
No! She doesn't understand! What are Ranch, Thousand Island, or Italian to Briana's Bleu Cheese Dressing? What?
Camille calls again, "There is a recipe for Bleu Cheese Dressing in the Healthy Cookbook in the cabinet."
....It's not Briana's, but maybe I am saved.
Ten minutes later, I have a small bowl of ''salad dressing'' before me. It consists of - 1 C. plain yogurt, 1/2 C. buttermilk, 1/2 C. bleu cheese crumbles. I whisk, taste, and wrinkle my nose in disgust. I take it to Camille.
"Does this taste anything like bleu cheese dressing to you?" I ask her.
She tastes, and grimaces. "No! Not a bit!"
The dressing goes down the garbage disposal. The fruit flies are beginning to gather.... I am running out of time.... my salad is waiting.... WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? If i was Camille I would put some hummus, or cream cheese spread on top to make the salad palatable, or just go with nothing at all. But am I Camille? NO! I will not stoop to such tactics! What is my last resort?
I sigh and open the fridge. It meets my eye................ Ranch. It calls to me in an eerie voice of salad dressing, "I am your last resort... do you want crunchy, dressing-less salad? Of course not! HA!" A wicked laugh drifts from the bottle, but there is no other choice........ I drizzle the creamy white stuff over my once beautiful, fresh salad, and sit down at the kitchen table to eat my previous glory.
Camille walks into the kitchen, "Will you read my new blog after lun...." She stops, staring at the filthy, attacked, mangled counter. "You didn't make mine?"

Gretchen

13 comments:

Jacqueline said...

This post had me rolling with laughter! I can feel your desperation as you look at your wonderful masterpiece of a salad and then realize that there is no salad dressing for it! My sister and I love to make everyone salad for lunch and I hate it when everything's finished, the table is set, and then Sill says "Someone ate all the dressing you made yesterday and you'll have to make more." Not that it's hard work but... I wanted to eat NOW! :)

Amy said...

Hahahahaha! Oh Gretchen! I love you! I think that post was one of the highlights of my night. You are just brimming with the creativity, warmth, good humor, and joy that are the birthright of a child of God!! =D

Captain Starch said...

I never liked salad dressing (of any kind), but i certainly enjoyed reading this.

Camille's question at the end sounds so much like something I might do (on a different topic, anyway...)


:-)

Hailey Renée said...

Hi, Gretchen! I have been reading your blog for a while, but not commenting, and I am glad to see you have updated it! That was a great post. Uck, dry, crunchy salads are not good at all... You have a great sense of humor. :-) I will see you all at FASA again!

Love,
Hailey McCulloch

Taylor said...

Hello Gretchen! Like my sister Hailey just said, I have been reading your blog for quite some time, but have not commented before. Your blog is lovely, and you are a wonderful writer. This post really made my day! I'm praying for your family as FASA is about to come around, looking forward to it.

God bless you,
Taylor McCulloch

Kathryn Hall said...

Hi Gretchen! My girls gave me your blogsite and it is great! The salad dressing story could be one from our home...esp. the making of the dressing! They sound wonderful and then we taste them and YUK! And I've tried spinach and feta...with ranch, due to SOMEONE in my family eating the last of the good stuff and it is just kind of...sad. Love those avocados, though, yes? YUM! Toodles!

Jessica said...

That has to be the best entry I've ever read! Anything you need at the Hall house is never there so I know your pain. There is never any bread at our house so it is depressing to go into a kitchen to make yourself a delicious masterpiece of a sandwich.....and there is no bread! *sigh* such is life. :D I love you blog though!

Jessica

Briana Monet Mahoney said...

I am so happy that you have your blog back and have a new post. You gave us a start when one day, we clicked on our favorites link to the Pocket Peridot and got the blank screen saying that the blogger was no longer available! We were greatly relieved when we found your remodeled blog from the link on Camille’s website. It looks great (except the words in your first paragraph go off the page and I cant read the rest of it). I love the shiny green peridot in the “O”. Your post had us all laughing with the dialogue, thought processes, and the wicked voice of the ranch (what does Brianna‘s salad dressing voice sound like?). There is nothing like those everyday conversations. I must confess, I especially liked the part where you talked about the absolute importance of my namesake salad dressing. I’m afraid I fail to get excited about salad. I don’t even enjoy making a salad. I know that it is good for me, so if I get elected to make salad for my family, I stuff lettuce leaves and other salad ingredients into my mouth while I am making it, until I feel justified that I have had salad. That way I don’t have to look at it on my plate and think about eating it. Isn’t that terrible? If I do get salad on my plate, then I hurry up and eat it so that I can get it over with, and savor the rest of my meal.:)
I have been enjoying reading some of the books on your reading list. I sheepishly admit that I had never read G.K. Chesterton before. Not on purpose mind you, I just didn’t know about him. I decided to start with Orthodoxy, which I expected would be sort of difficult to get through. Happily, I was wrong. I was so engrossed that I didn’t want to put it down. I love the books that hold you and take you away. I read it twice. Yes, Christianity is the supernatural key that fits into the lock of the amazingly complex questions of life. It was fun to see all the areas that Chesterton has affected your life. I remember thinking, “Elfland Studios? Where do the Wolavers find these wonderfully named places to get their CD’s done? ” When Orthodoxy fell open to the “Ethics of Elfland” I laughed and remembered that you said that you turned two rooms of your house into a studio. I am now reading “Four Faultless Felons” . I have finished with the first dear little felon and was about to find out “who done it” on the second, when I was called to make dinner. Who has to eat anyway? My next Chesterton is going to be Manalive.

Katelyn LaRee Mahoney said...

I checked your blog a couple of days ago, and the webpage said “Nevermore”. I thought to myself, is that true? I wasn’t discouraged with that. I checked your blog again, but the page only laughed at me and said “Nevermore”. This time I really thought it was true, and was sad to think that it was no more to be seen. It was awhile later that I found that tricky webpage to be incorrect, much to my pleasure.
I immensely enjoyed reading your post. It was excessively diverting. There are episodes that happen in our house similar to that dialogue. I must try that Brianna’s dressing. It must be delicious if you were that cut up about it. : ) Thanks for posting!

Gretchen Emily Wolaver said...

Mrs. Hall, thanks so much for commenting! It makes me happy to know that ya'll enjoy the blog. =D And yes, who could live without avocados?


Jessica, I love your blog too! I found it by clicking on your name. =) It is the most annoying thing when you want something specific to eat, and as far as you know you have everything you need to make it, and then you realize you don't. Rude awakenings. =D


Briana, your namesake salad dressing's voice is very creamy and tangy-sweet. Yum! I know what you mean about feeling guilty with eating greens. I only like salad if there's all sorts of 'goodies' in it. =D That's wonderful that you've been reading Chesterton! He's one of my favorite authors. I absolutely LOVED Four Faultless Felons! =) I think my favorite mystery was the one of the thief, but I can't remember the name of it. ManAlive and Orthodoxy are amazing too, especially the latter - my goodness, talk about profound writing! My next Chesterton book to read is called 'The Flying Inn'. Alex says it's really good. =)

Katelyn, I'm so happy that you were finally able to find the blog again. =D And I'm glad that ya'll like the remodeling. That's just called Alex help and genius. =D I hope to see ya'll again soon.

Benjamin Wolaver said...

Great post, Gretchen! Your blog is very fun... just what a blog should be. :)

Emma Mc. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emma Mc. said...

Hello Gretchen,

That was a very creative and funny post.
Something that may be worse than no salad dressing is too much! =) That's never good.


-Emma
(Taylor and Hailey's sister)